I think I'm going to give tumblr a try. Come join me :)

I'm kind of bummed about friends at college.

I just feel like I've been left at home and I don't matter. It's like, I thought I was a big part of your life (because you're a big part of mine.) Whenever you leave for college, it's like I don't matter anymore and just come in second to all of your new (or not so new) college friends.

I don't think it's a jealousy thing. I personally don't feel like it's the fact that I won't have the experience you're having. I just feel brushed to the wayside.

I guess I just want to be acknowledged every once in a while from these people. I'm tired of always being the one to be the first to contact and make an effort.

Someone else make an effort.

I'm so sick if all of this. It's tiring. I'm so worn out from it all. I'm so mentally worn out that nothing seems to make sense or be right anymore.

I want everything to work out. Oh so badly do I want this and days like today make me feel like they won't. I don't like these kinds of days because then it gives me doubts. You shouldn't ever have doubts. I don't want doubts. Maybe this is why it's been said that I live in a "happy little bubble where everything works out right," because it is what I want to happen. I want things to be positive.

I'm so tired of being caught in the middle and feeling like I have to defend everyone else. I cant speak for anyone else but myself and now, I believe, I'm even having troubles speaking for myself because everyone else is stuck in my head.

I keep being told that it's really about me and my decisions and what makes me happy. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. And then, if I try to say what I think or express something that I want, I'm talked over and/or am told that it was someone else's thought.

I just want to be understood and be given support. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently so.

I'm not in the best of moods tonight, so I'm not going to pretend like I am. And everything I feel like ranting about, I'll rant about no matter how much sense it doesn't make.

I wish everyone would stop pretending like they know things. About me or my life. No one really knows because no one ever cares to ask me.

I'm irritated by the fact that I feel utterly trapped. With no car and no job to get me a car, I can't go anywhere or do anything. Because of this, I sit at home and stare at the walls. I don't have the motivation to even keep myself occupied with a craft or reading. Nothing has been in my interests as of late and this, too, is irritating.

There's nothing more I've wanted to do, recently, then talk to someone I genuinely care about. It's unfortunate that every time we do get to chat, it's cut short because one person caught the other person at bad time. I haven't gotten a chance to actually talk with this person in a while and there are things that I would love to sit and chat about; important things, for that matter. I just want to have the time to express these things because they are of great importance to the near future.

Sometimes I worry about myself. I worry that I'm too much of a follower to certain people. Those people are people who are of great importance to me, so I guess it makes sense, but there are so many times where I need to stick up for myself and put myself first. I rarely do with these few people. And I, just like they do, need to realize that I should come before them.. Although, I don't think they know I've fallen under this weird power they have over me..

I think I'm going to start updating this more. I think I'll be able to keep things off my chest. Because even if no one out there will listen to me, I can still always write about it.

I'm so sick of all of the stupid people from high school who still insist on continually gossiping and never go to the source for answers and just assume that anything they hear is right. It's so immature and stupid and petty and ridiculous, at this point. I'm so done with it. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I hear all of these things that are being said about me at various grad parties and it's ridiculous the amount of people that still hang on to stupid high school shit.

My one friend told me they ask her (she's one of my best friends and does know what's going on) because they still care about me and want to know how I'm doing. BULLSHIT. If they still care about me and want to know how I'm doing, then why don't you ASK ME?! WTF. I'm done. Sometimes I just want to recreate my Facebook so I can get rid of all of the fake friends I have on there. They don't really care. 90% of them don't care.

I'm on a journey to find the people who are as important in my life as I am in theirs. People who are true to me and don't assume things about me, but ask me about them instead. People now a days are ridiculous and I don't need that stupid, petty high school sh*t any more. Grow up people, grow up.

There's so much I wish to write about so many topics, but I'm going to choose this one.

I am completely enamored by you. I love the way you talk, think, make me feel -- everything felt right and right now, I guess I'm just stuck. I'm not sure whether or not to continue feeling this way, or if I should try to continue on with my life and leave you behind, in a sense. I wish extremely much to be everything we were at the beginning. It was so cute. I want that again with you, and only you.

I feel like I've said this before, but never in my life have I felt this way. I want this so bad -- so bad, I don't think you can understand it.

I have this bad habit of not being able to let go, but I'm really not sure if I should do that for this situation. No, not yet.

I guess, before we can find "us" again, I have to find myself.

I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. 2009 was just a blur. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in my parent's bedroom bringing in the new year (great way to bring it in, no? Bah.) And not only did 2009 just fly by, but I realize how much everything has changed in a year; how much I've learned, how much I've grown.

I've learned, that no matter how much you may want to, you can't stay friends with everyone you were once friends with. I look back at high school (mainly senior year) and I think about all the people I was close to and how I'd love to be close to them again, but I can't. I've changed, they've changed and the way we've changed made us grow apart. It's not that I dislike them or anything, it's just we're different people now. Anyways, your true friends stay with you through thick and thin and no matter how much time you are apart from them, you can always get together and act like you saw each other just yesterday. And your true friends are always willing to accept you for who you're becoming.

This is why I'm so thankful for Damon, Ria, Erin, Alyssa and Maria. And after 3, 17, 8, 5 and 4 years, they've proved their friendship to me. No matter how goofy I am, or what I wear, or how different I will be in five year, they will be there for me. For this, I love them.